In nearly two decades of therapeutic practice, I’ve never encountered a topic that generates more confusion, guilt, and inner turmoil than forgiveness. The struggle becomes even more complex for those of us who hold faith as central to our lives, knowing that forgiveness is commanded by Christ while simultaneously feeling utterly incapable of extending it to those who’ve wounded us most deeply.
Lysa TerKeurst’s “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” has become an invaluable resource in both my personal journey and my work with clients wrestling with seemingly unforgivable betrayals. Her insights bridge the gap between theological truth and psychological reality in ways that offer genuine hope for healing.
The Myth of “Forgive and Forget”
One of the most damaging misconceptions I encounter is the belief that true forgiveness requires forgetting or that our inability to forget proves we haven’t truly forgiven. TerKeurst dismantles this myth with both biblical wisdom and practical insight, acknowledging that some wounds create permanent scars.
In my practice, I’ve worked with women betrayed by decades-long affairs, parents whose children were harmed by trusted individuals, and countless others whose deepest hurts were inflicted by the people they loved most. The expectation to “just forgive and move on” often compounds their trauma with spiritual shame when the process proves more complex than platitudes suggest.
Forgiveness as Process, Not Event
What I appreciate most about TerKeurst’s approach is her recognition that forgiveness—especially for deep wounds—is rarely a one-time decision but rather an ongoing process that unfolds over time. This reframes the struggle from failure to faithfulness, from inadequacy to incremental progress.
I often tell clients that forgiveness is like physical therapy after a severe injury. Some days you make significant progress; other days the pain feels fresh and overwhelming. Both experiences are normal parts of the healing journey. The goal isn’t to eliminate all evidence of the wound but to restore function and prevent the injury from defining your entire life.
The Difference Between Forgiveness and Trust
Perhaps the most liberating truth TerKeurst illuminates is the distinction between forgiveness and trust. Many people remain trapped in cycles of re-injury because they believe forgiveness requires them to immediately restore full access and vulnerability to those who’ve hurt them.
In therapy, I frequently work with clients who feel guilty for maintaining boundaries with people they’ve forgiven. They wonder if their caution proves their forgiveness isn’t genuine. TerKeurst’s teaching helps them understand that forgiveness is a gift we give primarily to ourselves—releasing the poison of bitterness—while trust is something that must be rebuilt through demonstrated change over time.
When Forgiveness Gets Complicated
Real-life forgiveness is messy. The person who hurt you might show no remorse. They might continue harmful behaviors or even blame you for the consequences of their actions. They might have died, leaving you unable to confront them or receive the apology you desperately need.
TerKeurst addresses these complexities with remarkable honesty, acknowledging that some forgiveness journeys look nothing like the neat testimonies we hear in church. Sometimes forgiveness means grieving not just what happened, but what will never be—the relationship that can’t be restored, the apology that will never come, the innocence that can’t be reclaimed.
The Neurological Reality of Trauma
As both a therapist and someone who has walked through deep betrayal, I’m grateful that TerKeurst doesn’t minimize the very real neurological impact of trauma. Our brains are literally changed by significant betrayals, creating neural pathways that keep us hypervigilant and reactive. This isn’t spiritual weakness; it’s biology.
Understanding this helped me extend compassion to myself during my own forgiveness journey and helps my clients recognize that their struggle isn’t evidence of insufficient faith but of normal human neurology. Healing involves both spiritual work and practical strategies for rewiring traumatized neural pathways.
The Unexpected Gift
What I’ve witnessed repeatedly—both personally and professionally—is that the forgiveness journey, while painful, often becomes the pathway to the deepest healing and most authentic faith we’ve ever experienced. Not because the pain was worth it, but because God meets us in our brokenness in ways we never knew were possible.
The strength we develop through forgiving the unforgivable often becomes our greatest asset in helping others navigate their own impossible situations. Our scars become sources of credibility and compassion that unmarked lives simply can’t offer.
Grace for the Journey
If you’re struggling to forgive something that feels unforgivable, please hear this: your struggle doesn’t disqualify you from God’s love or prove your faith is inadequate. It proves you’re human, dealing with the complexity of living in a broken world where people we love sometimes wound us in ways that defy easy healing.
Forgiveness is possible—not because we’re strong enough to manufacture it through sheer willpower, but because God’s grace is sufficient to accomplish what we cannot. Sometimes that grace works through counselors, medications, time, prayer, supportive relationships, or all of the above.
The goal isn’t to forget what happened or pretend it doesn’t matter. The goal is to prevent what happened from stealing the rest of your story. And sometimes, the most courageous thing we can do is simply stay in the process, trusting that God can work even through our imperfect, incomplete, stumbling attempts at forgiveness.
Your healing matters. Your journey matters. And you don’t have to walk it alone.
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