Salt + Cedar Collective

In my years as a therapist and as a woman walking her own faith journey, I’ve sat across from countless individuals whose lives have taken unexpected, painful turns. The refrain I hear most often—whether from the client facing infertility after years of trying, the woman whose marriage ended despite her best efforts, or the parent watching their child struggle with addiction—is heartbreakingly universal: “It’s not supposed to be this way.”

Lysa TerKeurst captures this ache perfectly in her book of the same title. As both a therapist and someone who has walked through seasons of profound disappointment, I find her insights invaluable for anyone trying to reconcile their faith with life’s harsh realities.

The Permission to Grieve What Was Supposed to Be

One of the most damaging messages we often receive in Christian circles is that faith should somehow insulate us from disappointment or that expressing grief reveals weak faith. TerKeurst courageously challenges this notion, giving us permission to acknowledge that some disappointments feel like death—the death of dreams, expectations, and the future we’d carefully constructed in our minds.

In my practice, I’ve witnessed the relief that washes over clients when they realize they can be both faithful and heartbroken. The psalmists certainly understood this tension. David cried out to God in anguish while simultaneously declaring his trust. This isn’t contradiction; it’s the full spectrum of honest faith.

Disappointment as Sacred Ground

What strikes me most about TerKeurst’s approach is her recognition that disappointment, while painful, can become sacred ground where we encounter God in new ways. When our carefully laid plans crumble, we’re faced with a choice: either become bitter toward God for not following our script, or allow the breaking to reveal parts of His character we might never have discovered otherwise.

I’ve seen this transformation repeatedly in therapy. The woman whose business failed discovered a resilience she never knew she possessed. The man whose health crisis forced early retirement found purpose in mentoring others through similar struggles. The couple whose infertility journey led to adoption discovered depths of love they hadn’t imagined possible.

The Difference Between Circumstantial and Conditional Faith

TerKeurst draws a crucial distinction between circumstantial faith—which depends on our circumstances aligning with our expectations—and conditional faith, which remains steady regardless of outcomes. This resonates deeply with my therapeutic work because healing often requires this same shift.

Circumstantial faith says, “I’ll trust God if He gives me what I want.” Conditional faith declares, “I’ll trust God because of who He is, regardless of what He allows.” This transition isn’t easy or quick. It’s often forged through the very disappointments we’d rather avoid.

Processing Disappointment Without Losing Hope

One of the most practical aspects of TerKeurst’s message is her emphasis on processing disappointment thoroughly rather than rushing toward artificial positivity. As a therapist, I see tremendous damage when people try to bypass grief or shame themselves for struggling with unmet expectations.

Healthy processing involves acknowledging the full weight of our disappointment, examining what it reveals about our deepest longings, and then slowly, carefully, learning to hold both our pain and our faith simultaneously. This isn’t about finding silver linings or forcing gratitude we don’t genuinely feel. It’s about creating space for both sorrow and hope to coexist.

The Rewriting Process

Perhaps the most powerful concept TerKeurst presents is the idea that God doesn’t waste our disappointments—He rewrites our stories in ways we couldn’t have imagined. This doesn’t mean everything happens for a reason in some neat, tidy way. Rather, it means God is masterful at bringing beauty from ashes, even when we can’t see the process unfolding.

In therapy, I often work with clients to identify how their deepest wounds have also become sources of their greatest compassion and strength. The mother who lost a child becomes an advocate for other grieving families. The man who struggled with addiction dedicates his recovery to helping others find freedom. Their stories weren’t rewritten to erase the pain, but to transform it into purpose.

The Ongoing Journey

The truth TerKeurst illuminates—and that I witness repeatedly in my practice—is that disappointment doesn’t disqualify us from a meaningful, faith-filled life. Instead, it often becomes the very thing that deepens our relationship with God and increases our capacity to comfort others in their struggles.

Our stories may not unfold as we planned, but that doesn’t mean they’re not beautiful, meaningful, or exactly what God can use for His purposes. Sometimes the most profound growth happens not despite our disappointments, but because of them.

In a world that often promises us control over our circumstances, learning to find strength in surrender and hope in uncertainty becomes a radical act of faith. It’s not the faith we thought we’d need, but it’s often exactly the faith we discover we’ve been given.